Archive for Feelings

And with the establishment of the supremacy, permanence, and veto power of five countries, war is defeated

LONDON, 1945 — By Jove, chaps, we’ve done it. That business with Hitler was rather nasty, so the powers that happened to defeat him all got together and considered how to stop anything so dastardly happening again. Our solution is as brilliant as a hot cup of tea after a dash through England’s famed sky-water: we’ll simply appoint the winners the rulers of the world and allow each one of them to reject proposals to ensure international consensus.

Absolutely marvelous.

Why, the indefinite promise of stable and sober leadership of the United States, France, the Republic of China, the Soviet Union, and of course my own homeland, Great Britain (God save the King) is assured, and so why not establish a global order that we control cooperatively and keep others out of? None of us would ever start something so barbaric as a war. None of us would ever dream of, for example, invading, or supporting the invasion of as part of a series of proxy wars, Tibet, Vietnam several times, Korea several times, Cuba kind of, the Dominican Republic, India, Czechoslovakia, Cambodia, Afghanistan several times, Panama, Grenada, Georgia, and most definitely not Ukraine.

Not only is the current and future leadership of all of these countries totally legitimate and not murderous at all and as such should be trusted to be a part of the highest-level international decision-making process forever, but I’d like to take a moment to talk specifically about the veto.

Ah, the veto. Because each of us secretly knows that we know better than anyone else, we all agreed that we all have to agree about everything or nothing happens, because democracy is all well and good of course, until the majority wants to do something you don’t like. Would any of us with a house of popular representatives give a veto to a minority party? Heavens no, but on the international stage, we must beat our sovereign chests every so often, progress and compromise be damned.

Listen, don’t be worried. Why, this is simply exactly like appointing the five strongest adults in the village as the protectors of all, no matter how old and frail they get, no matter how strong and potentially effective the young grow, and no matter the actual validity of simply allowing the strong to rule in a world where—some of us!—accept the intrinsicly equal worth of every human being regardless of attributes.

Oh but don’t worry, chaps. Should one of the five powers do anything so inhuman and hide behind their veto or go against the wishes of the international community, the members of this new United Nations would be well-placed to issue a series of strongly worded threats and warnings. Those ought to solve the problem.

So things are now, so they always shall be. Relax, friends, for the five of us have everyone’s best interest at heart.

Now, pip-pip! It’s back to work. I’ve got a great idea for ensuring stability in the Middle-East.

Well, since you animals behaved yourselves on Sunday, maybe we’ll look at loosening the alcohol laws

I have to admit I’m surprised, Alberta. I expected you lowlifes to pull a Vancouver early Sunday when Canada won at the Olympics. But against all odds, you kept it clean. I mean, I only walked past a few piles of vomit on Whyte Avenue later in the morning instead of drowning in the remains of your donairs.

So yeah, now that we’ve answered the question of whether can we get through a big hockey game without the type of person who’d wake up and start drinking at 5 a.m. taking a big ol’ shit across our cities, maybe it’s time to consider removing the bar curfew and letting grown adults make their own choices about where to buy liquor.

It sucks, but I gotta be honest with you. You can’t be making laws based off of what normal, well-adjusted, socially responsible people should be able to do. You gotta consider what happens when the bottom one per cent of jokers get drunk and start douching out.

I’m not saying all hockey fans are dumbass alcohol-guzzling wrecking balls looking for an excuse to ‘mistake’ a sleeping homeless person for a urinal, harrass women while waiting at the bus stop, and then vomit in a taxi when they realize they’ve got more oil bucks than patience to wait for municipal public transportation—and that’s only when they’re cogent enough to not give drunk driving a whirl, passing out and hurtling into our province’s beautiful ditches.

But you know. You know. Nobody’s ever gotten smashed and woken up in small town Alberta with twelve chickens and a cow after buying some guy’s ‘farm’ while watching figure skating. There’s something about a bunch of dudes hitting shit with a stick that brings the asshole out in many of us.

That’s the kind of worry that’s kept alive this government’s restriction of grown adults’ ability to consume a beverage that the vast majority understand how to treat with respect. That fear is why we enforce strict minimum prices on liquor so that the idiots among us don’t make the bad choices most of us are smart enough not to. It’s why your bar can’t give you their primary product, alcohol, as a prize for competitions, and why happy hour ends at 8 p.m., no god damn exceptions. It’s why you can’t serve home made wine at your wedding reception, and, yes, why you stop serving liquor at 2 a.m..

Yeah, B.C. did a bit of relaxing of its own laws recently, but we didn’t have much of a swell of support for changing ours. You think we’re just going to do the right thing out of the good of our hearts? Sorry, too busy doing a little thing called building Alberta.

But alright, alright. I throw you one bone and let the bars open for hockey and you did okay, so I guess we’ll at least start talking about a few things, like the possibility of a grown, responsible adult being able to pick up a bottle of wine with their groceries rather than having to drive their bigass truck to the other end of the Superstore parking lot out of a mixture of laziness and somewhat legitimate desire to not look like a loser and fall on the ice while freezing their cock off.

We got through it, Alberta. We managed to get through a single early morning of hockey, and lord knows if there’s any good excuse for making an exception to the law it’s fucking hockey. So sure, let’s talk.