And with the establishment of the supremacy, permanence, and veto power of five countries, war is defeated

LONDON, 1945 — By Jove, chaps, we’ve done it. That business with Hitler was rather nasty, so the powers that happened to defeat him all got together and considered how to stop anything so dastardly happening again. Our solution is as brilliant as a hot cup of tea after a dash through England’s famed sky-water: we’ll simply appoint the winners the rulers of the world and allow each one of them to reject proposals to ensure international consensus.

Absolutely marvelous.

Why, the indefinite promise of stable and sober leadership of the United States, France, the Republic of China, the Soviet Union, and of course my own homeland, Great Britain (God save the King) is assured, and so why not establish a global order that we control cooperatively and keep others out of? None of us would ever start something so barbaric as a war. None of us would ever dream of, for example, invading, or supporting the invasion of as part of a series of proxy wars, Tibet, Vietnam several times, Korea several times, Cuba kind of, the Dominican Republic, India, Czechoslovakia, Cambodia, Afghanistan several times, Panama, Grenada, Georgia, and most definitely not Ukraine.

Not only is the current and future leadership of all of these countries totally legitimate and not murderous at all and as such should be trusted to be a part of the highest-level international decision-making process forever, but I’d like to take a moment to talk specifically about the veto.

Ah, the veto. Because each of us secretly knows that we know better than anyone else, we all agreed that we all have to agree about everything or nothing happens, because democracy is all well and good of course, until the majority wants to do something you don’t like. Would any of us with a house of popular representatives give a veto to a minority party? Heavens no, but on the international stage, we must beat our sovereign chests every so often, progress and compromise be damned.

Listen, don’t be worried. Why, this is simply exactly like appointing the five strongest adults in the village as the protectors of all, no matter how old and frail they get, no matter how strong and potentially effective the young grow, and no matter the actual validity of simply allowing the strong to rule in a world where—some of us!—accept the intrinsicly equal worth of every human being regardless of attributes.

Oh but don’t worry, chaps. Should one of the five powers do anything so inhuman and hide behind their veto or go against the wishes of the international community, the members of this new United Nations would be well-placed to issue a series of strongly worded threats and warnings. Those ought to solve the problem.

So things are now, so they always shall be. Relax, friends, for the five of us have everyone’s best interest at heart.

Now, pip-pip! It’s back to work. I’ve got a great idea for ensuring stability in the Middle-East.

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