Well, since you animals behaved yourselves on Sunday, maybe we’ll look at loosening the alcohol laws

I have to admit I’m surprised, Alberta. I expected you lowlifes to pull a Vancouver early Sunday when Canada won at the Olympics. But against all odds, you kept it clean. I mean, I only walked past a few piles of vomit on Whyte Avenue later in the morning instead of drowning in the remains of your donairs.

So yeah, now that we’ve answered the question of whether can we get through a big hockey game without the type of person who’d wake up and start drinking at 5 a.m. taking a big ol’ shit across our cities, maybe it’s time to consider removing the bar curfew and letting grown adults make their own choices about where to buy liquor.

It sucks, but I gotta be honest with you. You can’t be making laws based off of what normal, well-adjusted, socially responsible people should be able to do. You gotta consider what happens when the bottom one per cent of jokers get drunk and start douching out.

I’m not saying all hockey fans are dumbass alcohol-guzzling wrecking balls looking for an excuse to ‘mistake’ a sleeping homeless person for a urinal, harrass women while waiting at the bus stop, and then vomit in a taxi when they realize they’ve got more oil bucks than patience to wait for municipal public transportation—and that’s only when they’re cogent enough to not give drunk driving a whirl, passing out and hurtling into our province’s beautiful ditches.

But you know. You know. Nobody’s ever gotten smashed and woken up in small town Alberta with twelve chickens and a cow after buying some guy’s ‘farm’ while watching figure skating. There’s something about a bunch of dudes hitting shit with a stick that brings the asshole out in many of us.

That’s the kind of worry that’s kept alive this government’s restriction of grown adults’ ability to consume a beverage that the vast majority understand how to treat with respect. That fear is why we enforce strict minimum prices on liquor so that the idiots among us don’t make the bad choices most of us are smart enough not to. It’s why your bar can’t give you their primary product, alcohol, as a prize for competitions, and why happy hour ends at 8 p.m., no god damn exceptions. It’s why you can’t serve home made wine at your wedding reception, and, yes, why you stop serving liquor at 2 a.m..

Yeah, B.C. did a bit of relaxing of its own laws recently, but we didn’t have much of a swell of support for changing ours. You think we’re just going to do the right thing out of the good of our hearts? Sorry, too busy doing a little thing called building Alberta.

But alright, alright. I throw you one bone and let the bars open for hockey and you did okay, so I guess we’ll at least start talking about a few things, like the possibility of a grown, responsible adult being able to pick up a bottle of wine with their groceries rather than having to drive their bigass truck to the other end of the Superstore parking lot out of a mixture of laziness and somewhat legitimate desire to not look like a loser and fall on the ice while freezing their cock off.

We got through it, Alberta. We managed to get through a single early morning of hockey, and lord knows if there’s any good excuse for making an exception to the law it’s fucking hockey. So sure, let’s talk.

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