The calendar rolls over to the next year tonight and experts agree: it’s going to the highest-number yet.
Amid conflicting claims of which 13 things that happened in this year were the best, billions will celebrate its death by ceremonially overdrinking—some waking up without clothing.
“You know, I’m 54 now, and I’ve been watching the changing of the years for, oh, must be about 54 years at this point,” said distinguished Time Sage and nudist Gregory Gregson, “and I’m pretty darn sure I never saw a 2014 before.”
“In fact, I think I’d have to say this is the highest-numbered year I seen since 2013 came along.”
Gregson predicts that if this trend continues, we can expect to see a 2015 follow 2014, and perhaps even a 2016 after that, advising that even though this new year will have the largest number yet observed, we should be prepared to settle in for a string of incrementally larger year numbers as time goes on at this point.
The higher number is important because with it comes change. For one, marketers in regions where dates are written as a rollercoaster of unit length will be able to take advantage of the lucrative 12/13/14 date for movies involving counting things. And regardless of country, the superstitious among us will only have to deal with 12 dates with 13 in them, as opposed to all of them.
As well, years from now, children born in this new year will affix a “14” to the end of their brainternet handles—one entire integer higher than children born in 2013.
And while everyone is agreed that this is the highest-numbered year, some members of strange foreign cultures claim numbers even higher than 2014. A buddhist with a hard-to-spell name said that her people observed 2014 a half-millenium ago and that it was really nothing to write-home about in terms of having a year with a high number.
“I was a snake back then. It was badass being a snake, but the year number itself was so-so,” she recalled.
“As far as I’m concerned, it’s 2556 and we plan to take it one higher when this one ends, so you all should get it together and catch up already. My grandma shits 2014.”
“She’s an eagle or something now. I don’t see her much.”
But even then, Jewish person Mordechai Goldstein claims that the Hebrew calendar will have a year with a number more than double the Buddhists’, claiming the highest-numbered year there is, being that it started with the beginning of the world, time, existence, and everything else almost 6,000 years ago.
“Oy vey what’s with all the schmaltz?” he stereotypically asked in a thick accent because there is innate if lazy humour when people talk different to how you do.
“You schmucks are only up to 2014? Well it’s probably because you’re always putzing around, not calling your mother, not coming to your brothers’ bar mitzvahs or those events where we cut off parts of babies’ penises,” he said, straining his stereotype to the point of absurdity and the border of offensiveness.
Gregson rejects claims such as these, saying that those calendars aren’t as good as ours because he doesn’t know anybody who actually follows them. He could just go ahead and make up his own calendar too, he says, and start it 20,000 years ago just so he could have a really, really high number, but would it mean anything, he asks? Besides, he’d have to be a Level 12 Time Sage to have abilities such as those, and he is merely a Level 10.
“What it comes down to is what are you gonna trust, the calendar you lived with all your life, or something someone of another culture says they use?”
But one final claimant might have everybody beat. Speaking through a possessed physicist, the universe itself is wading into the debate.
“I don’t know what you Earthlings are talking about,” xe hiccuped, “but at my count, we’re at 13 billion and something.”
“I lost count a while ago,” xe admitted, “it was around the time I got just, like, so fucking wasted and passed out for a million or so years. I come to, and all of a sudden some of my favourite stars have been torn apart by black holes, a couple of my nicer galaxies have collided, and I got you dickholes running all over my twenty-eigth nut, arguing about which god’s real or whose calendar is better or whatever.”
The Universe then went onto complain about more or less the entire history of the human race, claiming that we have been standing in the way of xeir plans for the Solar System, and generally getting everything that we try catastrophically wrong.
“Jesus, give it a rest. Look, I have the highest number. Now go back to going extinct. Your global warming’s getting in the way of me turning the Earth into a big ol’ snowball and throwing it at that jerk across the branes, Marty. He’s a right cunt.”